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March 11, 2012
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The Once-ler and I stood before the window in his Lerkim. Gazing into his pale blue eyes, I mustered up all my strength and took a deep breath in. "Sir, I've got something to show you…"

His head tilted to the side slightly. "And what would that be?"

I took one of his gloved hands into both of my own. I'd never attempted this on anyone, just a few dead flowers.. But it was worth a shot. Anything was worth a shot at this point.

Anything to make him happy again…

"Flower, gleam and glow.
Let your power shine.
Make the clock reverse.
Bring back what once was mine."

I looked up at his confused expression, noticing the small changes that were taking place. The old, wrinkled skin on his face was smoothed out, his mustache growing less bushy. It was working!

"Heal what has been hurt."

The strands of his hair that hung out of his hat were getting darker and darker shades of gray.

"Change the fates' design."

We were suddenly surrounded by what could only be described as a million tiny shards of glass, all broken into perfect prisms. They shined their rainbows onto his face as his eyes closed.

"Save what has been lost."

His mustache was completely gone by this point, and his hair was a mess of dark grey.

"Bring back what once was mine."

The glass prisms danced around us faster and faster, shining their light on him until it seemed as if he himself were being painted a bright rainbow.

"What once was mine."

I finished softly, letting his hand go.

His eyes opened slowly and he looked around. "Melody-" he stopped abruptly when he noticed the change in his voice. It wasn't the old, gravely one he had had just a few moments ago. It was his own voice, most definitely, but younger.

He walked to the mirror and looked at himself in the mirror.

He WAS younger.

Turning quickly, the young-again Once-ler looked to me. "How did you do it…? and you!" He exclaimed, taking notice of my younger look as well.

He laughed in joy for a moment, then it slowed as he remembered why he was locked up in his Lerkim in the first place.

"Thank you… but what good is being youthful again when all I have is a dead forest?"

With a small, sad smile, I motioned to the window. "Take a look."

He walked to the window, and nearly fell back at the sight he saw. Truffula trees everywhere! Swomee Sawns flew high overhead, barbaloots frisked about in the shade, and Humming Fish swam in the clear, clean water.

Everything was back to normal.

But something was still missing.

Once-ler nervously looked to me.

And I knew what he was asking silently. He was asking for her.

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door.

"Once-ler! Once-ler are you home?"

His eyes lit up, and he rushed to the door, pulling it open and taking the girl who stood there into his arms. "Rena!" he cried happily.

"Once-ler! I… erm.." She hugged him back after a few moments.

And that was all I could handle watching.

They say if you love something, set it free. They also say that if you truly love someone, you'll put their happiness before your own. I knew he wouldn't, but somewhere deep inside of me, I wished that he would realize how much I loved him.

But he never did.
My OC Melody and Once-ler.... Guh, I just love their non-existant relationship.

Rena: (C) :iconninjamuffinofdoom27:
Once-ler: (C) Illumination Entertainment & Dr Seuss.
Melody: (C) Me

Healing Incantation: (C) Tangled.
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:iconjack-frost-fangirl55:
Jack-frost-fangirl55 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
OH THE DEPRESSION!!!
stop I say! STOP!!
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:iconyamiryuu-chan:
YamiRyuu-chan Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
So beautiful and sad T.T
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:iconcharlett:
Charlett Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012
Hmm! Let's see, first of all, the main thing to focus on is description. A reader who isn't familiar with the inside of a Lerkim will want to know what it looks like. What's in it? Are they sitting? Standing? It makes the reader feel like they're part of the world you're writing about, you know?

Second, who is Melody? All I can tell from her name is that she probably likes singing, but even then that isn't something to assume, as many people can be named "Melody" but not like to sing. I have no idea who she is, what her background is, why she is in the Lerkim with the Once-ler, or any of that. Why does she love the Once-ler? Is it because he has a soft heart under that angry demeanor? Is it because she has regrets, similar to him? I don't know anything about her and it's hard for me to feel the emotion she does if I do not know her.

Thirdly, taking ideas from other movies or stories is okay in a way, since everything has been done at least once, as they say. The problem is that it's far too obvious that you have taken this idea from somewhere else, namely Tangled, and it doesn't really fit in the world that Dr. Seuss has created. The world is definitely strange and "magical" in our sense, but things still need to be done through hard work. Having Melody use her magical powers to bring back the forest destroys the purpose of the moral of the original story, by saying that once something is gone, it's very *very* hard to get back. The story teaches us as children that we need to hold onto the world and take care of it so we don't ruin our world, because there isn't any magic that will end up bringing everything back.

Which brings me to my fourth point: Why are we making the Once-ler young again? I am pretty sure that growing old is a fact of life, and the idea behind Tangled was that focusing only on youth and beauty was a vice that hurts rather than heals. It sort of bugs me nowadays that people have this view that youth is beautiful, when old age, wisdom and experience is just as, if not more important. Melody can still care for and love the Once-ler without feeling sad that he is old, that he has returned to the one he loves, or any sort of thing, and just help him work to care for the trees that he has left in the hands of the young.

On the other hand, the grammar is actually good, although I would suggest forming more paragraphs. It seems a little too disjointed in some places, like the youthful reveal. There were very little misspellings either, which shows that you at least care about trying to make your story presentable, so I would like to congratulate you on that.

Overall, in terms of how to fix things, I would suggest focusing on Melody as a character in her large metal town and have her working, perhaps alongside our youthful heroes in the story, to find out just how to take care of the trees that the Once-ler loves so much. It will bring out her unrequited love for him while still being an engaging story that doesn't focus on magic to get whatever you want, but explains that the hard work that the younger generation puts in will reap tons of benefits for when they have children of their own.

Hope that helps!
-Charlett
Reply
:iconsickholmesluver:
SickHolmesLuver Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! It does help a lot actually.

And to clarify some things about Melody...

I really wasn't even gonna post this in the first place, because I based it off of an RP I did with a friend...

Melody was a child who ran away from her abusive family and found The Once-ler's home. He felt bad for her and let her stay, so she feels indebted to him. (That's more explained in the fic I'm still working on.)

Basically, Once-ler met a girl (Rena) while he was working on Thneeds and they ended up falling for each other, but Once-ler was more involved in his Thneed-making than being in a relationship. She had grown up in the forest, so after everything she lived for (The forest) was gone, she killed herself.

Once-ler grew old regretting everything he did, and everyone was gone, except for Melody, what had never left because she still felt she owed him for saving her, and who had always loved him because of how sweet and kind he was to her, even when he went all greed-crazy.

The whole Tangled part was just because.... I watched the movie for the first time, and it was stuck in my head AAAAAALLLLLLL DAAAAYYYY. @_____________________@

Yeah.. The reason she made him young again was to reverse time so he could be with Rena and fix his mistakes.... it woulda made more sense if you knew the RP story xD
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:iconcharlett:
Charlett Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012
Well then! That sounds a little less bad; I would suggest you write up a more prose-like story based off of that RP first then~ That way the readers don't jump in the middle of the story and become confused.

It's all up to you, mostly, but I've given you what I can to help fix it up some more. <3
Reply
:iconsickholmesluver:
SickHolmesLuver Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I'm working on something that's going to sort of explain more about Melody and Oncie and their history together.. Do you think you could possibly read it before I put it up, and let me know how I could fix it?
Reply
:iconcharlett:
Charlett Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012
Well, I'll do my best, but overall it's up to you to fix your own mistakes. If what I say doesn't fit in your vision, it may not help much at all.

Regardless, toss it to me in a Note or email it to me and I'll see what I can do, alright? <3
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:iconsickholmesluver:
SickHolmesLuver Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Sure, Thanks so much! :hug:
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:iconrandomgirlhrl:
randomgirlhrl Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012
That damn tangled finally got to you didn't it

p.s. I liked it
Reply
:iconsickholmesluver:
SickHolmesLuver Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Lmao, Yeah. I blame Shelby.
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